A Test of Characters: The True Story of the War in the Pacific

Distinguished historians, many of them with high school graduation diplomas, are reeling in shock following the discovery of a series of documents that prove our entire view of World War II is completely wrong. The conventional view is that the USA, with its allies, used its superior money, material, and manpower assets to grind down the Japanese in a series of brutal, island-hopping battles, bombing raids on Japan’s paper cities, and a ruthless submarine blockade of the Japanese islands. 

Now this view has been totally discredited by new documentary evidence recently discovered in a San Francisco vintage comic store by Hector M. Numitz, a model builder and online role-game player.

The new documents prove that the vital American victory at the Battle of Midway in 1942 was not due to superior US strategy and intelligence, but was the result of the intervention of someone called "The Fighting Yank," a caped and masked crusader with 18th century headgear, who swooped upon a flight of Japanese torpedo bombers as they were about to strike the aircraft carrier USS Saratoga, grabbed them by their wing tips and swung them violently around before throwing them all the way back to Tokyo.

Not only this, but it seems that the success of the landings on Guadacanal that stopped the Japanese advance in the South Pacific in its tracks, owed more to the efforts of Kid Alpha and the Alpha Men than it did to the US marines. Although the documents show that the GIs did remarkably well in the circumstances, they were unfortunately at the mercy of the surrounding Japanese forces after running out of ammunition, when Kid Alpha and his “stainless steel storm troopers” flew to the rescue, destroying several crack regiments of bespectacled, buck-toothed Imperial guards with ‘neuron rays’ emitted by their neurino-blasters.

The documents, which were brightly colored, slightly tattered and covered in new cellophane, were discovered by Mr. Numitz when he was looking for a rare 1973 limited edition of the Star Trek spin-off comic “Scottie and Uhuru: The Love Stations of Epsilon 93.

Intensive research of these new documents by top academics and historians is practically rewriting every chapter of WWII. For example, General Douglas McArthur, who is officially given the credit for defeating the Japanese in the Philippines, would have been helpless without assistance from the dauntless battling duo of Bucky the ‘kid daredevil’ and his sidekick Toro the 'human fireball.' Bucky, with his ‘photonic shield,’ was able to successfully deflect a sneak attack by Japanese battle-cruisers that would have wiped out the US invasion fleet, while Toro flew to Tokyo and set fire to the pants of the Japanese leader, Hideki Tojo, who had to jump into the moat surrounding the Imperial Palace to extinguish the flames, emerging seconds later with a duck on his head.

While America fought a ruthless war using its brightest and best super heroes, the Japanese response, by comparison, was lackluster. This was mainly because their cartoon superhero prototypes were years behind those of the States. While Bucky the ‘kid daredevil’ boasted a ‘photonic shield,’ and Kid Alpha had his ‘neurino-blaster,’ Japanese superheroes, like Kaptain Tatami, had to take on Allied battleships and tanks armed only with a giant slipper, or, in the case of Superultra Hirohito Man, a pair of ‘ultra spectacles’ that could be used to produce scorch-marks on the rears of unsuspecting American generals, until the Red White & Blue Streak clobbered him with a ‘torpedo ray.’ Even more pitiful was the fate of Onigiri Man, with his seaweed cape, who successfully broke through the encircling US forces on Iwo Jima only to be eaten alive by the starving Japanese troops he had come to relieve.

Perhaps the most effective Japanese superhero of the War was Kid Tokio, a fanged and cheerfully smiling secret agent who resembled the Japanese leader Hideki Tojo. Kid Tokio would wander around American factories dressed in a Japanese Imperial Army uniform and peaked cap committing small acts of vandalism and praising lazy and wasteful American workers in broken English. According to WWII historian, statistician, and bore, Professor Footnote, the destructive effect of Kid Tokio, before he was lynched by an irate mob of factory workers for hiding the toilet paper, were equivalent to the glass cockpit of one B29 bomber not being screwed on properly.

If the war had dragged on another few years, however, the enormous advantage that the Allies had in superhero prototypes would have been overturned, according to recently declassified military documents. These were found by occupying forces when they raided the offices of the Dai Nippon Kitty Company, Japan’s biggest wartime producer of cute camouflaged lunch boxes. Rough sketches confiscated by the military reveal that Japanese manga artists were hard at work on a character called Fukushu Kitty (Revenge Kitty) a fiendish character that was designed to lull attacking troops into a false sense of security, before swiftly decapitating them with its razor sharp boomerang ribbon.

December, 2006

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