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Ten Great Things About the Japanese


People around the world were deeply impressed by the manner in which the Japanese handled the big quake earlier this year. By "handled," they of course mean "didn't run around in marauding packs looting and shooting at each other." It's impressive stuff if you experienced Hurricane Katrina or Haiti's 2010 quake, but it's taken for granted if you live in Japan as I do.

With apologies to Taki's resident list-maker Gavin McInnes, here are ten more things about the Japanese that are far more impressive than calmly waiting for food aid and blankets:


1. THEY COMBINE MULTICULTURALISM WITH MONORACIALISM

While Western countries have to permanently upset their ethnic balance and raise the specter of future genocidal civil wars to get a bit of decent ethnic cuisine or exotic dance classes, the Japanese manage to import most of the world's culture without importing most of the world's people. This means they don't have to develop the sort of liberal totalitarianism and thought-crime legislation that sad little countries such as England and Canada do, which, because they are increasingly multiracial, are increasingly monocultural — the monoculture being state fascism!


2. THEY PAY MONEY TO SPEAK ENGLISH TO YOU

A definite upside of Japanese monoracialism is that when you actually get here, there are plenty of people who are willing to pay good money just to hear you speak English and to ask you dumb questions. Over the years I've spent here, the top five questions I've fielded have been: "When did you come to Japan?"..."Can you use chopsticks?"..."Do you like Japanese food?"..."Where are you from?"...and..."Can I give you another erotic massage?"


3. THEY ONLY ACCEPT REFUGEES FROM FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES

While most Western countries throw open their borders every time there's a public flogging/vaginal circumcision/paper-clip shortage in the Third World, the Japanese do their bit for the planet's displaced by only accepting refugees from First World countries such as America. Japan is home to an estimated 88,000 US citizens. Since most of them are Democrats, geek boys, and liberal-arts graduates, this provides a valuable service to Americans by removing what would otherwise be a highly unproductive and unsightly segment of their population.


4. IF YOU TIP THEM, THEY WILL RUN AFTER YOU AND FORCE YOU TO TAKE IT BACK

In addition to having the world's best service—another thing you unfortunately start taking for granted after a few years—the Japanese also hate being tipped. If you do this, expect the waiting staff or taxi driver to pursue you and force you take back your brown coins by threatening ritual suicide. If you must insult them, it's far kinder to make a disparaging remark about the emperor's buck teeth and comically thick bifocals.


5. SAMUEL SMILES'S BOOK SELF-HELP IS STILL ON THE BESTSELLERS LIST

While Western culture is dominated by intellectual midgets such as Germaine Greer, Richard Dawkins, and Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, the Japanese still drink regularly from the true fountains of wisdom—mainly books by dead white guys plus Confucius.


6. THEY APPRECIATE OUR CULTURE MORE THAN WE DO

Western museums feel compelled to organize exhibitions of Pygmy dung sculpture or Cambodian straw-weaving in order to balance the "hideous whiteness" of Renaissance art, Baroque sculpture, or French Impressionism. The Japanese have no such hang-ups. Alongside their own culture, "hideous whiteness" is what they crave most. Any exhibition by a well-known Western artist or movement will have them forming lengthy queues keen to pay $15 entrance fees for weeks on end.


7. THEY ESTABLISH INTERNATIONAL PEACE BY MAKING PAPER CRANES

While Western nations try to end war, terrorism, and nuclear proliferation by bombing and invading the wrong countries, the Japanese have a much better system: They get school kids to make origami paper cranes, then hang them by the thousands in temples, shrines, and at the Hiroshima Peace Monument. OK, it doesn't solve anything, either, but at least a sheet of origami paper costs a lot less than a cruise missile.


8. THEIR WOMEN GIVE EACH OTHER HANDY MAKEUP TIPS ON THE TRAIN

Unlike Western women, who jealously guard their makeup secrets by only applying them in the boudoir, many Japanese ladies now do all their makeup on the train. This makes for the easy transference of beauty technology, allowing for a far lovelier female contingent than in the dyke-n'-slut-infested West.


9. THEY DO MOST OF THEIR VOMITING WHEN THERE ARE PLENTY OF CHERRY BLOSSOMS FALLING TO COVER IT UP

The Japanese are not known for their ability to hold their liquor, with public vomiting a frequent and unfortunate consequence. But almost as if to support Christian notions of "intelligent design," the main outdoor drinking season coincides perfectly with the descent of the cherry blossoms, as fluttering pink petals decorously cover up alcohol-laden pink puddles. Everything looks lovely, but be careful where you sit.


10. THEY STILL SCARE THE CHINESE

With America likely to turn into a low-IQ, debt-ridden, Third World slum ripe for conquest and colonization within the next couple of decades, perhaps the greatest thing about the Japanese is that the Chinese still have a deep residual fear of them. While Westerners have always touted the idea of China as a sleeping giant, less well-known is the secret Chinese terror of stirring up the Japanese hornet's nest. As long as this fear reflex remains in place, 21st-century China will always be wary about crossing the Pacific to take advantage of the easy pickings on the other side.


Colin Liddell
Taki's Magazine
23rd June, 2011
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